Numb is how I feel lately.
We got word last week that our "Hope" was never actually found. Our agency still has no idea where she is.
Most people look forward to Fridays because it is the end of the work week. In the adoption world it's actually the opposite. We dread Fridays, because that means we have to wait at least two more days before we can expect to hear anything about our adoption. So after a week with no update, On Friday at 4:00, I sent an email asking a few questions about what was being done to find her and what we needed to do in the mean time.
We were informed that our agency is doing all they can. Our director is ready to jump on a plane to Congo when they locate her to complete our adoption. BUT nobody knows where she is. It's possible that a family member came and claimed her.
So this is where we wait. Not knowing if our adoption of "Hope" will continue. Not knowing if she is OK. If she was returned to a family member we would be happy for her. I will rest easy knowing she has a family and she will never have to experience that fear that she would have known for us to come and bring her to a new place full of white people. I love her. And I want her to have a family. Even if it's not our family. But I need some closure one way or the other. I know God has a plan. Just praying he lets me in on it sometime soon.
So I am numb. I walk around. I go to work. I go to the kids' school. I go to football practice and soccer games and the grocery store. I went to a party on Friday. I kept walking from room to room filled with my friends. But I couldn't relate. It was like everyone was so distant even though we were in the same room. I couldn't concentrate to make small talk. I couldn't worry about dirty houses, or busy schedules, or crazy work weeks, or funny kid stories. All the things I would normally love to chit chat about with my friends. It was like I couldn't hear them. And when I could hear it was too loud. So much laughter. How can they be laughing? So much happiness. How can they be happy? I kept asking myself why my friends seem so distant lately. Have I done something to push everyone away. But then I realized it's not them, it's me. I stay on the outside of the conversations. I am the distant one.
And then the rain. We have had so much rain and flooding here. And yet in Africa there is no water. There are no crops because they don't have water. The drought is so bad. The children are dying. Their parents are dying and leaving them alone. And our rivers overflow. Our creeks flood our streets. My bucket fills up on the porch over and over. Why can't we share? Why do we have too much and they don't have any? What can I do?
I don't know where to go from here. Our director asked us to look at the waiting child list again and see if we thought any of the other children were right for our family. They are all cute. They all need homes. They all need a Mommy to cuddle them and a Daddy to protect them and a big sister to care for them and big brothers to stick up for them. But none of them are "Hope". We felt the calling to adopt. We wanted to help. 1 out 147 million orphans. 1 less orphan. But maybe we were wrong. Maybe adopting was selfish on our part. We get would get a new girl in the family to love. We would get to watch her grow up and relate with her in our family and love. We would get to cuddle her and laugh with her and read her bedtime stories. But maybe that is not what we were meant to do. We could have taken all that money and sponsored a lot of kids. They wouldn't get a family, but they would get to survive. They would get to go to school and eat. What if we were wrong? And now it's too late. We don't have that money any more. Governments and lawyers and agencies have it all. How do I know if I was wrong?
I do know this. No matter what happens I have changed. I see the world differently. The people dying in the pictures we see. They aren't just pictures. They are my daughter's family. And the family of her friends and caregivers and neighbors. I have to help. Just like I would help if my sister, or aunt or neighbor needed me. I will do whatever I can.
We are desperately praying for our "Hope". We are still begging God to let her come home to us. If it is possible for us to adopt her we will do what ever it takes! We will always love her no matter what happens.
And if you see me and you think I am not paying attention to you. If I am just standing there outside the conversation. Or acting strange or not myself.
I am just numb.
6 comments:
Kati, Giving a home to an orphan is never a mistake. I won't go into the long story, but 2 of my 4 adopted daughters ended up being a different child than I first thought I would be adopting. After it happened the first time I felt like you, wondering if it was all a mistake. A friend asked me if i still had the same reasons for wanting to adopt. I did, so I proceeded with a new referral. Even though my heart hurt through the rest of the process, once I held her I knew she was my daughter. I cannot make the pain go away. I cannot explain why these things happen. I hope you get answers as to what happened to Hope. But know that opening your heart to a little girl who needs you is not a mistake.
Oh my goodness, I feel for you I can not imagine what you are going through.. Praying hey find Hope soon!! Hang in there!!
I'm so sorry, Kati. I am praying for Hope and for your family and hurting with you.
Please know that I am praying for you and your family. The feelings must be overwhelming. My heart is aching for you right now. I plead with the Father right along with you to bring Hope back into your lives.
Kati,
I understand that the last few weeks have been hard. I know that all the words that everyone says kind of wash over you in a wave of sound that doesn't really seem to make sense on any level that matters.
The not knowing is always hardest. Answers tend to be easier than questions. And quite frankly, it sucks! And in the midst of it all, please know that there are prayers going out and up for you all constantly. People who have never met you and don't even know your name are praying for you and praying for "Hope" that God is surrounding and protecting each and every one you, every moment of every day.
What I know is this: At the end of the day, God knows your heart. He knows you motivations, your intentions and the goodness that He placed within you and your family.
Nothing in this life happens without reason. There is always a lesson and a blessing in every experience. "Hope" has touched your hearts and your lives and she will continue to do so because she is already a part of your hearts. You aren't wrong to want to give a child a family. You aren't wrong for wanting to help. The right answer is the one that is within you. I know that right now there is hurt and confusion and fear, but try to push past that and to hear what your spirit is guiding you to do.
In time, no matter what the outcome, the numbness will gradually fade and a lot of emotions will be waiting for you when it does. You definitely have changed, but you are changed in a wonderous way... you can't tell just yet, but God is working in and through you. Trust that, even when you can't yet see it or feel it.
In the meantime, we continue to pray for you all.
Much love!
Knowing the way that Congolese government officials operate, they're probably holding out for more money. Someone in the DGM or passport offices or the orphanage or some other office that deals with adoptions must have (finally) figured out that Americans (and Europeans) are willing to pay a lot of money to adopt. It's unfortunate that these sorts of things happen, but it's always risky to adopt, foreign or domestically.
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